Today’s topic is Keep it to Yourself. Many of us share lots of aspects of our diabetes lives online for the world to see. What are some of the aspects of diabetes that you choose to keep private from the internet? Or from your family and friends? Why is it important to keep it to yourself?
I would say that I am pretty open with most things related to Diabetes. I share stories of good experiences and bad. I am happy to talk to anyone about it and never feel the need to hide my disease. This morning while I was swimming, alone with my thoughts, I thought about the one thing I rarely, if ever, talk about or share.
Ever since I can remember I have for some reason felt the need to appear strong and together, even when I am not. I have always had a hard time expressing the negatives I feel deep down as I don't want to burden or worry anyone. A lot of the people in my family have so much on their plate and I don't want to add to it. So that brings me to addressing this topic briefly.
The one thing I rarely share is how scared of this disease I really am. Plain and simple it terrifies me. I know this sounds somewhat dramatic and I assure you it is not something I dwell on 24/7, but deep down it is there.
I find that when I try to vocalize this fear the response I get is usually along the lines of "But you are so healthy" or "You take such good care of yourself". While these things may be true, Type 1 diabetes often does not pay attention. Since been diagnosed three and half years ago I have suffered with a lot. Insulin Neuritis which rendered me pretty much incapable of functioning, two emergency cataract surgeries and damage to my teeth and gums. I still experience pain in my feet, numbness in some toes, my teeth are an ongoing project and since diabetes is a pretty big jerk, celiac disease was invited to the party as well. All of this contributes to my fear of what is going on inside and what may happen in the future. On top of this are the regular daily fears of a person living with Type 1. Fears about going low in the night and not waking up or going low while running/biking/swimming and not being able to help myself...and the list goes on.
That is about all I want to write on the subject for now as it causes me anxiety and I really don't want to hear "It'll be okay". I find it easier to focus on the positives and when the fear creeps in, give myself the time to feel it, think about it and move on.